An Obituary

JEROME HAMMOND, resident of Northbrook, IL, passed away on August 26th, 2013, at the age of 96. He was finally done in by his fourth heart attack.

Born at his childhood home in Chicago, Jerome was renowned for being the most hated person in the world, by percentage. Although monsters like Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin tend to claim this title in terms of sheer numbers, Mr. Hammond broke new ground in this category because practically everyone he met hated him. 99.8% of people who came into contact with him disliked him immensely. His daughter disowned him at fifteen. His son was famously quoted saying, “He isn’t good for anything, even an inheritance.” His own mother described him as “a complete and utter disappointment.”

From a young age, Jerome was insufferable. He found a way to effortlessly display every negative character trait known to man. As a child, he was a bully. He channelled his frustrations at younger children, tormenting them at every opportunity. On more than one occasion, his peers confronted him about his conduct. In every instance, he cowered like a wuss until they let him be, and then returned to his reprehensible behavior. As he entered high school and realized no one was intimidated by him anymore, he began to instead harass immigrants and minorities. He was particularly fond of mocking the Irish, even after it had fallen out of vogue.

Jerome never learned from his mistakes, and blamed every misfortune to befall him on someone else. Every hare-brained scheme that failed was the fault of a co-conspirator, and every car he rear-ended had a faulty brake light. He heaped unreasonable expectations on every person he met, and took no responsibility for himself. He was exceptionally rude to sales clerks and waitstaff. There are no recorded instances of him receiving an unmolested meal upon returning to a restaurant for a successive visit.

By contrast, every good thing to happen to him was, in his view, entirely his own doing and richly deserved. Jerome did not believe in chance. Every scratch-off lottery ticket that did not result in a win was a misprint; every win was due to his refined scratching technique and “system.”

When asked how a man such as he could ever get a woman to sleep with him, let alone marry him, his wife of sixty years, Margaret, responded, “He paid me. He was a bastard, and a pain in the ass, and he had the most annoying voice. But he mostly left me alone. Once he had a couple kids, he never touched me again, thank God. Jerry was a means to an end, and that’s it.” Margaret, for her part, is the sixteenth-most hated person in the world, disliked by 92.24% of the people who have met her.

Jerome is succeeded by his aforementioned wife, Margaret(84), son(Robert, 63), and daughter(Dinah, 59).  In addition, he has four grandchildren. They are reasonably well-adjusted, all things considered.

Jerome has already been cremated, and the world is richer for having lost him.

Posted on August 26, 2013 and filed under Creative.